The standard test for all performance cars

"Goshen, formerly Darkcode" (thedarkestofallcodes) 12/27/2013 at 16:51 • Filed to: CONTROVERSIAL OPINIONS

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For those unaware, SVT recently released a statement on how Nürbürgring lap times shouldn't be considered the be-all-end-all of automotive performance. I agree with such statement. After all, with little to no notion of where the track begins and where the track ends, highly varying weather, and different drivers, it has too many loose knots. However, Oppositelock, I can guarantee you that I, Darkcode Almighty, have the answer for such a problem. I present you the ultimate standard test for performance cars.

1. An absolutely perfect replica of the Nürbürgring shall be built underground in the American desert. It's a warm and dry place, with tons of useful infrastructures and human resources, so I believe it's the ideal location for such a venture. Plus nobody actually lives there, so the "you can get someone hurt" argument is invalid. Humidity levels and temperature should be regulated via a state-of-the-art system.

2. A robot shall be built and programmed to operate a car's systems through the Nürbürgring. This robot must have some humanized features of some kind, such as mechanic arms and feet, and it shall know the best trajectory and proper braking lines for all corners. It will also have sensors that detect the braking power, tyre traction and engine revving, in order to replace the human feel.

3. In order to be tested, the car in question (pretty much any car) must be on slicks, with one full tank of 100 octane fuel, no wiper fluid, and every system not necessary for the engine to run switched off.

Once this test starts being implemented, we will be actually able to fight eachother with fists, knifes, bats and eventually MP5s over our favourite cars' Nürbürgring lap times, regardless of what they truly mean. Until then, we will do the same.

Tentacle, Dutchman, drives French > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/27/2013 at 16:56

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I see a flaw in your Dastardly Plan For World Domination...

Drivers must remain human, so no robot drivers. Otherwise car manufacturers will build cars to be driven by robots instead of by humans.

Instead, you need to abduct the Stig and clone him. Keep the source DNA, so you can clone him again. And again. And again for as long as you need.

So there, I fixed your Dastardly Plan For World Domination!

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Tentacle, Dutchman, drives French 12/27/2013 at 16:57

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A robot driver cannot feel fear. I actually tried to make this look mildly possible, regardless of how outlandish it is (a lot, and intentionally).

Tentacle, Dutchman, drives French > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/27/2013 at 17:01

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But but but... Now you're implying that the Stig can feel fear.

Wait, what??

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Tentacle, Dutchman, drives French 12/27/2013 at 17:02

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TG Test Track =/= Nürbürgring

Tentacle, Dutchman, drives French > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/27/2013 at 17:08

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I'll grant you that, the TG test track can't hold a proverbial candle to the 'Ring. But the tame racing driver knows no fear. Regardless of the track he's driving.

Team6.1 > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/27/2013 at 17:29

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I disagree with point 3. Cars should be run on the highest performance factory engine and on the highest performance factory tire. If chevy wants to offer the corvette with non-dot slicks all the better. But the times should be representative of what you could get at a dealer lot, not some unattainable number.
Point 4. The track should be in Las Vegas and I should get a lifetime pass :-)

Awe_thentiX > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 12/27/2013 at 19:11

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Point number 2: Soooo you want Sebastian Leob...?

Goshen, formerly Darkcode > Awe_thentiX 12/28/2013 at 06:32

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Does he have three arms and three legs?

DasWauto > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 01/10/2014 at 17:49

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Nurburriedring. Missed opportunity.

WarchildSRT10 > Goshen, formerly Darkcode 01/11/2014 at 09:00

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As a fellow Jalop, I approve this.

... Exept for the tire thing. It should be stock tires, man!

jdrgoat - Ponticrack? > Team6.1 01/11/2014 at 21:10

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Despite what fanboys may say about the tires that Chevy had as optional on the C6, the Pilot Sport Cup ZP is, in fact, a legitimate DOT approved tire. It's to east to slip from "track-focused" to "track tire" to "slick" to "non-DOT" when people start talking enthusiastically. I wish I could tell everyone who is such misinformed this tidbit of information.

http://www.tirerack.com/tires/tires.js…

And after I did this research, I now see this post is a couple weeks old. My bad, still relevant.

My other critique of this idea, is that the best lines of any given corner are not the same from car to car. So point 2 becomes impossible (as if it wasn't already...).